dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
