my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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