The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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