Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
