I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
