I think my fart just growled at me.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
