So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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