I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
