Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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