dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Please, let me fuck your mom
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
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This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
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You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
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