you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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