I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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