You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
