I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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