Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
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Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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