I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
