Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
