If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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