giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
