I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
