You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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