if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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