I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
