i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
