I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
