you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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