i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
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Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
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I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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