I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
