he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
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why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
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You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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