you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Is Oprah even human
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
