Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
