The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
