just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
