Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
