I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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