My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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