to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
