I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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