Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
