she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
