Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
