new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
