i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
