I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
