sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
