If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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