Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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