I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
