so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
