Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
