i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
