if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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