I can't breathe out the right side of my face
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
