did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
