The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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