you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
