My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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